Crimson
by Renchikara
Summary: Crimson's all he's ever wanted... and he'll never get it. No matter how hard he tries, his blood is black and that makes the difference. The world through Hollow Ichigo's eyes, slight AU. Self-harm, attempted suicide. Suggested IchiRuki.
1. Wishful Thinking

**Starting yet another story- and this one's gloomy!**

**Will involve self-harm, attempted suicide, possible mild yaoi and general misery. If that doesn't put you off, then welcome to _Crimson_! Just thought I'd do a take of the world through Hollow Ichigo's eyes. Slight AU because the plot differs from Tite Kubo's.**

**I don't honestly think a story of this magnitude deserves an M, but if you guys disagree I'll change the rating.**

* * *

**One**

**Wishful Thinking**

It's just blue, and white, and black. And often grey. I hate those colours. The shades are all you ever see. I would want something else. A flash of another colour. Not yellow, because I can see that every time I look at my eyes in the reflection of a window. Green would be nice. That's what Zangetsu wants. Trees, flowers, life. With life comes water. With water comes, rain, and sadness, and blue. I don't want that.

That's why I'm going to beat the king, and then I can see the colour I have been longing for for so long.

I shall see crimson.

x

x

x

Look how pretty it is! The blood gushing out of his wounds as I slice his skin with my sword. I love the sound that comes with it too. A combination of laughter from me and screaming from him. It's so perfect. So rare, almost like a delicacy. Red is a brilliant colour, isn't it? I've seen it through his eyes countless times, but it is not the same. I enjoy the fact that I can make it happen, however I like. I like the feel of it on my fingers, and I take great pleasure at seeing the look on his face as I cut him. I was born for this. I am a Hollow, and I want red.

'What's wrong, Ichigo?' I taunt. 'You having trouble?'

'Bastard... shut up!'

My smile widens as I sonido closer for another attack, grinning in triumph as the crimson liquid erupts around him, splattering across the walls of the skyscrapers. This is everything I ever dreamed of- and when the body will be mine I will see it all the time. It will be the only colour in my world. The best colour of all.

'Can you imagine if the world was red?' I ask him as I watch him get to his feet from where I shoved him against the ground.

'You'd want that, wouldn't you?!' he gasps, glaring at me with eyes filled with anger.

'It's all that I desire,' I say with an eager smile. 'I want to paint the world with crimson. I want blood, and war, and endless fighting. My natural instinct is to kill, Ichigo. And that is what I will do.'

'I won't let you.'

'And how are you going to stop me? I shall win, and I will have my crimson.'

x

x

x

Seeing my sword sticking out of him is the best. All the blood! It's the most wonderful thing I've ever seen, and I cannot keep the grin off my face. And I'm gonna be king now! Everything will be mine to control!

His hand grabs the sword as I pull it out of his chest and I immediately see the beautiful crimson liquid shoot from where his hand comes into contact with the blade. I spend a nanosecond contemplating the perfect sea of blood falling down the sword towards my hand before reality kicks in and I realise that's a _bad_ thing. I jerk my own hand back, releasing it from its grip on the hilt, but it's already too late.

It burns, and _really _hurts.

I've never properly felt pain before, as he has been unable to deal a proper blow on me prior to this moment. Before that, the only real taste I got was when I possessed his body that first time, and I could feel how much it ached and all the cuts stinging all over me from where Byakuya Kuchiki had been wounding the body. But I could ignore it. And I shall this time.

So instead I stare at Ichigo as he wrenches the blade from his stomach and jerks his head down from the sky he was facing to look at me, his eyes blazing in a blue flame. All traces of pain on him are disappearing, and he has now found the instinct I tried to teach him about.

And I begin to think that goading him was actually a bad idea, considering now the outcome of the fight is about to change drastically.

As he comes towards me, I can't even move. I could jump out the way, try and prolong the fight despite the fact I'm weaponless, but what the hell's the point? I don't think I can escape this anyway; I'm stuck, just staring.

So much for winning.

I feel the sword stab deep into my body and it's so cold. Of course it is. It was my blade, after all. My own blade, being used against me. But it's not mine any more. It's his, and this means I have definitely lost. I look down at where the blade has come into contact with my skin, waiting to see the crimson I have always dreamed for.

Instead, I am greeted with a dark liquid.

My blood is black? I had no idea. What does this mean? I mean, I know I am different from Ichigo. And from other living beings, but how come my blood cannot be the colour I crave so badly. Disappointment floods through me. I should feel more gutted about the fight. I know I should. But all I can care about is the consequences. I'll never get to see crimson, especially if my own blood isn't red.

As if rubbing it in my face, the blood erupts from where the blade sticks out of my back, covering my Bankai robes in black. And already I can feel my feet beginning to fade away as I disappear.

'Fine then... if you defeat me... I'll accept you as the king- for now,' I say, grinning up at him despite everything that's happened. 'But don't ever forget that either one of us can become the king or the horse.'


	2. Solution

**For the record, this does contain spoilers for the latest arc in the manga... probably should have mentioned that earlier...**

* * *

**Two**

**Solution**

As Zangetsu is the dominant spirit again, I am trapped in a subconscious world of black, desperately trying to become strong enough once again so Zangetsu can become a part of me again. It's not fair. I'm Ichigo's true zanpakutô, and although my Hollow instincts make me hate Ichigo and wish to take the body for myself, I should still have the right to be back out there. I am the real Zangetsu, but at the same time I am a Hollow. I'm actually supposed to protect Ichigo. Ha! Protect him?! I hate him! Sure, I'll keep his body safe from dying 'cause I don't want to go! But it's not as if it matters anyway- there's an imposter out there who's stolen my name.

_ 'Hey, Old Man? You wanna let me out? I've learnt my lesson.'_

_ 'I find that hard to believe, Hollow,' _replies 'Zangetsu's' voice, sounding sceptical and a bit angry. _'You would never make a good zanpakutô.'_

_'I can't help being a mean little Hollow,'_ I answer in a playful voice._ 'But _you're_ his Quincy powers- how d'you think he'll take it when he finally finds out? Maybe you should tell him the truth soon, eh? He ain't gonna reach his true potential without his real powers. Quit locking me away.'_

'Zangetsu' is silent for a few moments. _'Like you care about him, Hollow.'_

_ 'No, you're right, I hate his guts. But don't you feel guilty?'_

_ 'Be quiet.'_

I smirk. I am definitely managing to achieve my goal- try as hard as I can to piss him off. I suppose I'm going to have to accept him as Zangetsu- for now.

_ 'Come on... I'm bored...'_

_ 'Will you shut up and try not to kill Ichigo if I do let you out?'_

_ 'I'll be on my best behaviour,'_ I reply, my voice mocking.

To my surprise, he does actually let me out.

'When he finally accepts you, then he can learn the truth,' Zangetsu says.

'You don't think that's gonna happen, do you? At least, not any time soon.'

'He...' Zangetsu takes a deep breath and stares up at the blue sky of Ichigo's inner world. 'He's a bit like a ticking bomb right now. He has so much potential, but if he gains full power too quickly...'

'I thought you didn't want him to get stronger as a Soul Reaper,' I point out. 'Isn't your plan to kill him or something?'

'It is,' Zangetsu confirms, but I can see in his eyes that he is hesitant.

'Oh,' I say, realising. Heh, I guess it was obvious. 'You're having second thoughts 'cause Ichigo's making an impression on you. I get it. Jeez, by the end of the month you may even be proud of him.'

'Maybe. We'll have to see how he progresses.'

'Yeah, I guess we will.'

Zangetsu walks off to go and observe the sky on another building, leaving me standing here without a clue on what to do. He can concentrate on Ichigo's thoughts whenever he wants to but I'm cut off now, which is pathetic because I am Ichigo's true zanpakutô. I should be the one helping him... which is confusing because I hate his guts. Nothing makes sense. I guess this is because I am a zanpakutô and a Hollow at the same time.

I lie down on the cool blue surface of the skyscraper, staring up at the sky and the side-ways clouds, then I close my eyes and concentrate hard on hearing Ichigo's thoughts. Zilch. Not a single word. He really has become strong, to resist me to this extent. I bite my lip angrily and open my eyes, sitting up as I stare around at all the side-ways buildings. It's the only scenery here, and the longing for crimson is building up again. I reach behind my back instinctively for my sword, then I remember that I can no longer access it. Ichigo took it off me. Zangetsu could give it back to me if he really wanted, but he doesn't want me to have it. I feel so weak and utterly powerless. What the hell was I going to do with it? Wave it around and rant? No one would listen. Zangetsu would ignore me and Ichigo wouldn't be able to hear anyway.

No. What I want to do may not even require a sword. Best news I've heard all day.

I roll up the sleeve of my shihakusho, staring down at the pale skin of my left arm before I reach down with my right arm, brushing my black fingernails across the skin. I then go a little harder, making a red mark appear. Heh. About damn time I see that good colour. Maybe if I carry on I'll get more...

x

x

x

It's hours later and Zangetsu still hasn't come to send me back. I lie on the the blue skyscraper, now stained with black liquid, and I am a complete mess.

It hurt at first. I hissed a lot, and even whimpered a bit when the pain grew too intense. Scratching with my fingernails opened up the skin, and soon my blood was pouring out. After a while I was able to adjust to the constant agony, but I was still disappointment. This blood leaking out of my wounds was black, not crimson. It really does confirm it: my blood is black. I hate it. Why can't it be red, like everyone else's? It's not fair.

Even though I won't find crimson, I keep cutting.


	3. Failing

**Kind of short but a cliffy seemed like the best place to end the chapter. Sorry '^_^**

**Will be more in the next chapter. Probably.**

**Three**

**Failing**

'Hollow... what have you done?'

'Don't send me back,' I croak, my throat stinging and my voice hoarse.

'If I'd known you were going to do this...' Zangetsu trails off, staring down at me. I lie in a heap at his feet, covered in ebony blood.

'Heh heh. That's me, isn't it? So unpredictable.'

Zangetsu bends down. 'How much blood have you lost?'

'Uh... a lot?'

'I... I'm sorry.'

'Hey, I don't want pity. I want some damn bandages.'

'I should never have let you out again,' he continues, ignoring me. 'This is my fault. Why did you do it, Hollow?'

'Wild impulse.'

'Give me a proper answer.'

'I... I need to.'

Zangetsu frowns. 'I notice you did not use the past tense there; if you plan on doing this again...'

'I have to.'

He looks shocked. 'Why?'

I sigh. He'd never understand.

'Just give me back my sword.' If he does that, then maybe this whole business will be cleaner and more... precise. Neater. That's the word.

'Yeah, I'm really going to give you a sword so you can inflict more harm on yourself,' Zangetsu says sarcastically. 'This can't happen again, Hollow.' He holds out his hand and my sword appears. Except it's not mine, but rather Ichigo's, because it the black version and the cloth is white. He tears of a large quantity of the ribbon and then makes the sword disappear. He begins to wrap the cloth around my wounded arm, tightening it considerably. I don't feel anything, because everything has gone numb.

'Don't do it again,' Zangetsu says, before he lives me alone. To suffer in silence.

x

x

x

I do it again. Lot's of times. I have to be more discreet, so Zangetsu won't find out each time I decide to cut. I wish that I had a sword, so that I could feel the perfect edge of a blade on my skin, but for now my fingernails must suffice.

And why do I do it? Well, what was I fighting Ichigo for? Control. I can cut myself exactly how and when I want, and I'm the one in charge. I do it because I can control it. I do it because it is a release, an exact other concept of what I desire. My Hollow instints scream for blood. I really don't give a shit whose blood it is any more. And maybe, if I keep searching, underneath all the ebony they'll be crimson. There's got to be red blood in me somewhere, right? There has to be. So I'll keep looking, and then this pathetic, boring, pointless life will have meaning. This will be my cause. I have to make this work, or I'll lose whatever I've got left. Hope.

Hope is what I've got left. Hope and... fear.

I'm scared and hopeful of what I'll find.

x

x

x

Now that he thinks I'm never going to do it again, and that he's convinced I won't do anything bad to Ichigo, Zangetsu finally lets me have a sword again. Maybe he thinks that I'm behaving because I'd like recognition, which doesn't even register to me as relevant any more. All that matters now is my new release. A release that doesn't even annoy Ichigo- who would have ever thought that would be possible?

Zangetsu doesn't make me disappear, which I'm grateful for. If I became a part of him again, I wouldn't be able to cut. It's the only thing I can think about now. Every day, I have this new purpose- keep the control. It's perfect. It works. I don't even feel pain as I do it any more. Well, that actually used to annoy me. I'd rather feel pain than for it to be numb, but I've grown accustomed to the way this works and I'm fine with it. I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

But one day, it's just not enough.

I cut deeper than usual, and it's not on my arm. I begin to cut on my chest, aware of how looking for crimson in the arm isn't working. I'm unfamiliar with pain in this area, having not been wounded here since Ichigo stabbed me, so I am greeted with agony again. It's like a new beginning. The second trial. Plan B.

I know deep down that there's no crimson in me at all. If there was, it would have become apparent at the end of the fight with Ichigo. Maybe it's because I don't have a heart... how would I know? But I cut anyway. I go so deep that by the end I'm screaming, and I actually realise that I could die. The pain is so intense, and it is as if I am on fire. This agony is not going to end. This pain will last for a long, long time. There will be no quick recovery involved. I... think everything should end here. I have to stop this from going on because my life doesn't make any sense. Guess I'll save Ichigo a lot of trouble.

I cut deeper, and it ends.


	4. Fever

**Four**

**Fever**

Everything is ending, and yet I'm still here.

Sometimes it can be as hot as can be, and I'll wake up screaming from dreams that could be real, contemplating that I could be entering the illusion now. Everything and nothing is real, and everything and nothing is a dream. Other times it will be freezing and I'll be shivering violently as I weave in and out of the multiple worlds, unsure of which one is real, or if any of them are real. Throughout all of this, there is a constant drumming in every reality I enter. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't died. Later on I'll be convinced I am dead, and a couple of times in my confused mind I'll feel lighter than air and I'll stare down at a body. It's not what I expect. Instead of a powerful monster with a lust for blood, I'll see a weak, pale Hollow boy covered in black blood, moaning and crying out in a fitful sleep, and the most disturbing thing that will happen is the point where I realise this person is me, and this is an out-of-body experience. Have I died? Wasn't I already dead? I'll scream and scream that it isn't possible, and then the pain will all come back and _I'll _be the one on the ground, watching as a real but not real world crumples around me.

And throughout all of this, vivid colours flash through my mind creating psychedelic imaging. The blues are glowing, the yellows are shockingly bright, the purples swirl around into confusing patterns, and the greens darken and brighten in sickening rotation. There's not the slightest sign of red. So, even in the dead life, I cannot see the crimson.

Wait! Just there- in the distance: a shade appearing through the grey. Could it be red? Please... please... it approaches and I cling on to this tiny bit of hope, only to find...

Orange.

'You're weaker than I thought,' Ichigo tells me, staring down at me with a peculiar expression on his face. 'Aren't you supposed to be strong? Keep fighting; rely on your instincts; right? Isn't that what it's all about? Isn't that what you said?'

I try to speak, but my throat is burning.

'Zangetsu is a better ally,' Ichigo decides.

_He's not Zangetsu!_ I want to scream. _It's a lie! _I'm_ Zangetsu!_

Why the hell should that even matter to me anyway? I'd managed to convince myself to stop caring, and yet now it seems that's all that matters.

And then Ichigo disappears in a burst of wind, destroying the blue background and returning me to a neutral purple landscape, and I begin to wonder whether he really was here in the first place...

Another out of body experience; I'm on a street. The buildings aren't blue. And there are people here, walking around in groups or on their own, going about their everyday lives, and I see a shock of orange hair at the end of the street, coupled with another familiar figure who I have seen enter his thoughts countless times before I was blocked from ever seeing or hearing anything inside Ichigo's brain. He stands with a short girl, the Soul Reaper who came along and awoke his powers. The reason I am in the situation I am today. None of this would have happened if Rukia Kuchiki hadn't come into his life. He would have remained a human, only slightly aware of the supernatural entities around him. He fought so hard to protect her. She's the reason he grew stronger, the reason he achieved Bankai. The reason Zangetsu had to go and conceal my true identity and take up the role as Ichigo's zanpakutô, all because he felt threatened of Ichigo's newly-awoken potential. Ultimately, she's the reason Ichigo is now able to use his Hollow powers and I get no damn say in it.

Way to sound bitter about it. Guess I'll just have to rephrase- she's far too important to Ichigo. When it concerns the two of them, it's that unfamiliar emotion that is supposedly able to conquer hate, and hate is the very thing I stand for. Hate has got me into the situation I'm in now, and yet really it is Ichigo's love for Rukia.

Love and hate are really the same thing, not opposites. They are both powerful emotions with strong beliefs. They both give and take away. The exact opposite they share is indifference.

Ichigo and Rukia are standing outside Ichigo's home, wearing their school uniforms, and as I watch, they set off in the other direction together, happily chatting away.

The scene fades to a spiralling green coupled with an infamously bright yellow, and I weave in and out of darkness once more.

The next time I find myself in the inner world. On the skyscraper next to me, slightly down below, I see Ichigo and Zangetsu. Anger takes control and I yell, 'ICHIGO!' as loud as I can._ I_ am his zanpakutô, _not_ this imposter! As I watch, they begin to walk away. Recognition is what I want after all, I guess.

'ICHIGO!' I scream furiously.

Neither of them show signs of being able to hear me. I try to move after them but it must be a dream after all, because it sucks. I'm stuck. Obviously. What a pain.

'HE'S NOT ZANGETSU! ICHIGO!'

He'd never listen anyway. To him, I'm an evil Hollow. _I'm_ the imposter as far as he's concerned.

'JUST LET ME OUT! I'M YOUR ZANPAKUTÔ! LET ME OUT, AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR TRUE POWER! ICHIGO!'

They fade away as they leave me behind, and everything goes black.

More visions come and go, and I have to get through them. If this is what happens to you when you die then I don't want to be dead any more. If this is life then I will gladly accept death. It's pathetic that I don't know which is which.

In one I am lying in a cave caused by the skyscrapers of Ichigo's inner world enclosing a tiny space, sheltered by any rain that might fall. I'm covered in bandages and I'm struggling to move even one limb but I can't, so I sit quietly and wait for the next vision to come.

It doesn't. I am forced to believe that this painful existence is reality. I try to say something (although I have no idea what) but it just comes out as a croak.

'You're awake?' comes Zangetsu's voice from somewhere to my right. I turn my head wearily to face him. He's standing over me (so much déjà vu) and I swallow down the bitterness that attacked me in the dreams.

'Welcome back.'

x

x

x

'It was a very bad fever. You were on the brink of death when I found you, and I was forced to charge you up with Ichigo's own supply of spirit energy just to keep you alive.'

He says 'forced to' like it was a major inconvenience. Then again, I guess it was.

'You... you've been cutting for a long time, haven't you?' Zangetsu says hesitantly.

I feel anger rising in me. 'So what? It's the best damn thing that ever happened to me.'

'You nearly died.'

'It would have been better if I had.'

'Why would you say that? What could have possibly happened that would make you give up?' he snaps. 'This isn't like you at all.'

'Maybe there's no point in me being here. Ever,' I say, giving him a meaningful look.

'Don't be absurd,' he answers. 'You're a part of Ichigo's power, whether you like it or not. And taking the coward's way out is just shameful.'

Is that why he thinks I did it? Because I'm scared or something? How dare he? I did it for the the release I can have in a tiny bit of control. Why can't he open he open his eyes and see how this helps? And even if I had died... so what? Who cares?

'Don't you see how it works?' I snarl. 'My life is on a knife edge- literally. It's perfect. And what I'd give to find just a little bit of crimson...'

'You're insane,' he decides.

'Yes,' I answer, 'through everyone's eyes. But try looking at the world the way I see it. I need this. Give me back my sword.'

'Never. I'm never trusting you again. Your blood is black, and that's all it will ever be. If you had a sword next time Ichigo was here, I know what you'd do to get your 'release'.'

'So you want to protect him now?'

'Yes. I suppose I do.' And with that, I am left alone.


	5. Monster

**Five**

**Monster**

The fever's not over. When I fall asleep I'm plagued with bad dreams, and when I wake up it always takes me a long time to decide whether it's real or not. I'm not strong enough to walk yet, and Zangetsu checks on me every so often to make sure I'm not attempting suicide again, but apart from that I am alone. I don't mind. He always did piss me off in some way. Maybe he's hoping that I'll remain incapacitated forever so I'll never be a nuisance again. This whole trying to kill myself scenario really annoyed him, I can tell. I don't know why. Maybe he does care. There's no reason why I should give a damn about it.

I'm finally able to leave the little cave after what must have been a few days (you can never tell in this place) and I am greeted with rain. Of course. I wonder what upset Ichigo this time. Maybe I should ask him, seeing as he's actually here. He comes up behind me while I am completely unaware.

'How come you returned? I thought I defeated you.'

I turn around slowly, knowing that any sudden movements could open up my wounds. Ichigo is glaring at me expectantly, his hand resting on the hilt of his sword, which is still strapped to his back.

'Zangetsu let me out a while ago,' I answer truthfully, and I begin to wonder why Zangetsu never sent me back.

'Where is he? Are you dominant again?'

'No.'

'Then how come he let you out?'

I grin. 'I know how to beg.'

He scowls. 'You seem different.'

The smile freezes on my face. 'How so?' I ask quietly, my voice barely audible.

'I'm not sure, but your being here is answering quite a few questions,' Ichigo says, an accusing look crossing over his face. 'I was fighting a group of Arrancars and Rukia got wounded. Not too badly, but I would have been able to protect her if I'd been able to use the mask. How come it won't work any more? Do I need to fight you again?'

Excitement races inside me for a second, before I finally notice that cutting has its inconveniences. I'm far too weak right now. I wouldn't stand a chance in a fight.

'No,' I mutter, hating myself for refusing a fight.

He raises his eyebrows in confusion. 'You _are _different. How can I make the mask work again?'

'I don't know, pray? Isn't that what you humans do?'

'Funny. Tell me or I'll beat you again,' he threatens, the grip on the hilt of his sword tightening.

'I don't know,' I repeat. And what sickens me most is how I then turn and walk away. I've lost my fighting spirit. I've lost everything. Is this what cutting is really doing to me? And why won't the mask work for Ichigo? Is it because I am the source of his Hollow powers, and I have grown weak?

'Where do you think you're going?'

'Away from here.'

'Where's Zangetsu?' he asks again, and I snap. I completely snap. Not aloud. I still have my pride. But inside, I am screaming that he is not Zangetsu, that _I_ am Zangetsu, and that nothing is fair. My anger returns. My spirit returns. My instinct returns.

I spin around and launch myself at his throat.

My lust for crimson has returned, and his body is full of blood, ready to pour out red. And where better to attack than the vulnerable skin of his throat. My fingernails are ready to tear and slit, my teeth ready to sink in... I've been waiting for this for so long...

The bewilderment comes before any pain. I watch the black blood explode around me as Ichigo's sword retreats from the new wound on my chest. I fall to my knees, shocked, then the burning arrives. I growl in agony, my hands wrapping themselves around my body as I hug myself, trying to prevent this disgraceful blood from falling.

Ichigo is surprised as well. Surely it must have registered with him that I am weaponless? Maybe he just never thought I would let my guard down so carelessly. He quickly regains his composure and raises his sword. He wants to defeat me again. He wants the power back, so he can protect. Of course. He's Ichigo.

x

x

x

'Wait!' Zangetsu shouts. In the blink of an eye he flashsteps over to Ichigo and I, standing in between us. Ichigo immediately lowers his sword, always trusting the words of his 'zanpakutô', even if it means forgetting to destroy something he hates. Like me.

'I believe a lot needs to be explained,' Zangetsu says, giving me a pointed look. He notices me clutching my wounds and reaches over for Ichigo's sword, immediately tearing off a chunk of the cloth and tossing it down or me to use as a bandage.

'He- he just attacked me,' Ichigo says, eyes open wide. 'I.. I didn't know what to do. I have to defeat him again, right?'

'Wrong,' Zangetsu says calmly. 'He is no longer a threat to you, Ichigo. Your powers are not working because he is being selfish.'

_Way to show favouritism, Old Man, _I think sourly.

'He's grown weak, and his powers are fading,' Zangetsu continues, and I glare up at him. 'Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to prevent it, this is causing your own powers to decrease, Ichigo.'

_That's because _I'm _his zanpakut__ô__!_

I expect Ichigo to begin complaining the way he usually does but he just gives me a strange look that I recognise because it's the same expression he wore in my fever-induced dreams. Just as he was saying that I surprised him with my weakness. 'What's wrong with you?' he asks me.

'Nothing's wrong,' I answer silkily, giving him a condescending smile that doesn't quite work because I am lying beneath him, covered in blood. 'Sure, a lot of thing's aren't _right_...'

'Like the fact that I'm in control and you're not?' Ichigo says, suspicion creeping into his words.

I could scream at him that everything Zangetsu told him is a lie. The old man standing next to Ichigo is well aware of that, and as we make eye contanct I can tell he's thinking the exact same thing. Well, he's actually dreading it. Then there's a shift in his eyes as he remembers something. The same something that's occurring to me too. It's not like Ichigo will ever believe me, no matter what I yell out.

So I guess I'm not going to be triumphant with that strategy.

'Are you plotting something?' Ichigo asks, his eyes narrowing at me.

'Okay... you got me.' I hold out my hands, the grin on my face only slightly forced now because I wonderful idea has just found a home inside my brain. 'Looks like you're not safe any more, _King,_' I say, spitting out the last word.

'What?' Ichigo growls.

I manage to pull myself to my feet, despite the fact it hurts like hell. He can't do anything, and that's what's so brilliant. Zangetsu won't let him hurt me because even though he's posing as Ichigo's zanpakutô, I am still the original source of power at the end of the day. Without me, Ichigo has no Soul Reaper or Hollow powers.

'I'm getting stronger again,' I say, stepping right up to Ichigo and leaning forward to whisper this in his ear. He flinches at the closeness and raises his hand, ready to hit me away from him in retaliation. Zangetsu grabs his wrist and stops him.

Ichigo gives him an incredulous look, as if to say, _What are you doing?! He's going to try and kill me again!_

Zangetsu sends him a brief apologetic glance as if to say, _Sorry. I can't let you do anything._

Ichigo glares. _Why the hell not?!_

Zangetsu avoids eye contact, and I congratulate myself on being _very_ good at expression-reading.

'Heh heh. What's wrong, King? You scared or something?' I laugh quietly. 'You should be. Be afraid,_ Ichigo_, be very, very afraid, because the monster's coming and it wants to play King.'

Ichigo's eyes widen in horror and with that last image of satisfying fear in his eyes, he fades away and disappears from the inner world, probably so he can go and have a panic attack in the real world. I bet he'll go running back to those Vizored pals of his.

'Why did you do that?' Zangetsu asks, his voice barely audible.

'I have two contributing factors that make me the entity I am,' I tell him, grinning widely. 'Zanpakutô and Hollow. Seeing as I can't be one, I might as well enjoy being the other.'

He stares at me. 'But why did you frighten him? Why tell him your plans?'

I give my best _isn't-it-obvious_ look. 'Because,' I say with a laugh, 'he's weaker when he's scared.'


	6. Control

**The plot goes AU here, because this never happens in Bleach.**

**Remember- reviewing is _always _a good idea.**

* * *

**Six**

**Control**

To gain the power I once possessed, I have to stop cutting myself.

It feels terrible to want to spill out my blood, and do nothing about it. For a very long time I allow myself to heal, waiting until I'm sure the scars on my chest and arms will not open again. It must be weeks, maybe even months, although it is far too hard to tell in this world. I am alone throughout it, which is good. Zangetsu is not around. Ichigo does not come back.

Once I'm better physically, I work on charging my spiritual pressure. It's cheating, but I decide the best way I'm going to do this is if I break into the source of Ichigo's spirit energy, right in the centre of the inner world. Of course, it's never gonna be that simple. Zangetsu will try and stop me and Ichigo has placed his own mental barriers as defence. He certainly doesn't want me becoming stronger again. But I have my methods. I attack as hard as I can and that will scare him. And as I've said before, he's weak when he's scared.

The best way to describe the barrier is like a forcefield- and invisible wall keeping me from the centre of the side-ways world. The fact that I can easily see through taunts me further because it's like a prize that is just out of my reach. But the barrier has its weak spots, and I need to keep praying that something really bad will happen to Ichigo. When that happens, it rains and this means he is at his weakest.

'I'll send you back,' comes Zangetsu's voice from behind me as I continuously hammer against the barrier.

'You can't any more,' I reply without turning around. 'I may not have reached his power supply but I'm already strong.'

'You're still weak enough for me to remove you from this world.'

'No, I'm not. Weren't you listening?' I snap, finally turning to face him. 'I'm not gonna let you or Ichigo push me around. Either I take my rightful place as his zanpakutô or I take over the body and it will belong to me. So what's it going to be?'

'You're intent on being someone's enemy aren't you, whether it's mine or Ichigo's,' Zangetsu says, a sad ring in his voice.

'What's it going to be?' I repeat.

Zangetsu sighs. 'I've told you before, Ichigo is not ready to master his true zanpakutô. It's far too early. The sheer power of it could destroy everything at this stage.'

I am silent for a few seconds, then I say, 'Right, so you want me to take the Hollow route, where I consume him and take over the body. So be it.'

'Do not be selfish.'

'_I'm _selfish?!' I explode with laughter. '_You're _the one who locked me away when I have every right to be the zanpakutô I'm supposed to be!'

'Have you stopped looking for crimson?'

That shuts me up. I glare at him, and he gets his answer.

'I thought not. Your Hollow instincts are too powerful. This is what makes the possibility of Ichigo's unleashed power so dangerous.'

'I don't care.'

'Learn to, because you're not looking at the full picture. This isn't just about you,' Zangetsu growls.

I am so good at pissing him off. Unfortunately, it works in vice versa too.

'Just wait. One day, when everything's different, Ichigo will be ready for the truth.'

I ignore him and continue to work on the barrier.

x

x

x

It takes a very long time, but I finally manage to break through. Within the barrier is the stuff Ichigo never ever wants me to see, so I'm effectively invading his privacy: memories of his... friends and family. Those words feel so foreign as I try them out. The unfamiliar taste of those words on my lips make me wonder what they're all for. What's the point in these people Ichigo cares about and wants to protect?

Except the fact that they're the reason he won.

Was my reason- my lust for crimson- not good enough? Does his desire to protect really make him stronger?

Having broken in, I can now see his thoughts. Ichigo's in Hueco Mundo, battling Arrancars to save one of his friends. At this current moment he's using his Hollow mask- which means that as I became stronger, his powers became stronger- and he's fighting someone I recognise.

Ulquiorra Cifer.

Ichigo's thoughts are a swirling mass of panic-

_ -He said that Rukia is dead-_

_ -She can't be-_

_ -Can I defeat him-?_

_ -If so, how long will it take-?_

_ -Rukia needs me-_

As I watch, I begin to drain the energy from his power supply. Ichigo's fear for his precious Rukia is making him weak, and I'm sure that if I took over I could do a far better job at defeating this Ulquiorra guy. And then what? Give back control? Hell no. Would I have to finish what Ichigo and his friends started? They came here to rescue Orihime Inoue. Why should I? She and the rest of his friends mean nothing to me. They'll just get in the way. They're _nothing._

Ichigo is sent spiralling into a building and in that exact moment where his mind is dazed, he loses focus and control. I step forward, aware that I probably haven't drained enough energy but I also know that I won't get any more opportune moments like this.

Ulquiorra's deep emerald green eyes widen as he senses the spiritual pressure from Ichigo's body drastically change the moment I take control. I feel new pains awakening everywhere from the wounds Ichigo has gained, but if there's one thing I have learned from cutting, I can now deal with pain. Easily.

'What is this?' Ulquiorra asks quietly.

I grin and look up at him. 'Your funeral,' I reply.

'It... Itsugo?' comes a whimper from the rubble. I narrow my eyes and stare down at a small green-haired child gazing up at me with fear and worry in her eyes. 'Itsugo? Ith everything okay? Nel'th tho worried!'

I quickly scan Ichigo's mind, looking for memories that will tell me who this little brat with a lisp is. Nel Tu... well, she can stay alive as long as she doesn't get in the way.

'Out the way,' I say harshly.

'Itsugo? Why are you thounding different? What'th wrong?'

'Do you wanna die?!' I shout. Nel shrinks back in fear.

'N-no!' she replies in a terrified whisper.

'Then shut up and get out the way!' I say forcefully.

Nel, shaking and sobbing, scuttles over the rubble, casting fearful glances back at me. I grin, thinking about how Ichigo will have to explain and apologise to her when he regains control.

_If _I let him regain control.

'Your spiritual pressure is that of a Hollow's,' Ulquiorra points out, and if I didn't know any better I'd say he's intrigued. 'It is similar to when you use the mask normally, but now it's twisted. Heavier. Darker.'

'That's 'cause I'm not Ichigo,' I reply.

'You're his inner Hollow,' Ulquiorra finishes. 'It makes no difference. Your power does not match the requirements needed to defeat me.'

_'Let me out!' _Ichigo screams at me.

'You wanna bet?' I ask Ulquiorra with a grin, ignoring Ichigo. He sonidos behind be and I spin around, blocking the attack with Ichigo's sword.

'Do your wounds mean nothing?' Ulquiorra asks quietly, his emerald eyes as emotionless as ever.

'Not to me, they don't,' I reply dryly.

He quickly lifts his free hand and points two fingers towards me, a green cero forming at his fingertips. I quickly counter it with my own red one, and there is a huge explosion as the ceros collide. I leap backwards, watching without registering one bit of care as I see Nel flung through the air to hit a far wall where she slides to the bottom, motionless.

_'Nel!' _Ichigo cries, and I feel his spiritual pressure swell dangerously, too close for my comfort, as he desperately tries to regain control so he can protect his little friend. I smile and push him away violently, knowing that with the amount of force I used he would have been sent crashing into the skyscrapers of the inner world.

After that, I'm as happy as can be. Ulquiorra Cifer grossly underestimated me as he soon comes to realise, and soon I am dancing through a sea of crimson, both the blood of the Espada and of the body I'm possessing alike. I don't care how many times I am cut, so long as I get the thrill of battle and see the blood exploding all around me. This is what the Hollow side of me was born for, this is what I need to do, even through no one else properly understands or even realises that. I have no worries. Ichigo can't even get through to me right now, so I don't have to think about Nel and the rest of his puny friends getting hurt in their own battles, I don't have to dwell on Orihime Inoue waiting for the savior that won't come, and I don't have to contemplate his dying little Soul Reaper friend who I can sense is only just clinging onto life.

_ 'Rukia's still... alive?' _is all I can hear, a distant, hopeful whisper.

I push him away again and continue with the fight.

_ 'I... have... to...'_

_ 'Don't you ever give up?!' _I snarl inside my head. I give him one final push with all the strength I can muster, and I can fight contentedly after that.

x

x

x

I don't know how long the fight lasts. I am battling to kill, but at the same time I don't want this thorough enjoyment to end any time soon. It must have been hours, as Ulquiorra has already gone into what he calls his first release, meaning there must be at least another one. I wish he'd take me seriously and do his next release, because I find his current state both boring and insulting.

The problem with fights is that the spiritual pressure of everyone around you can become so insignificant because you're busy, that you can easily ignore it. I have not been aware of any new developments, so I am taken completely by surprise when I find a wall of ice appear out of nowhere between myself and Ulquiorra.

And there she is, the one person that could be my downfall just because she gives Ichigo hope.

Rukia Kuchiki.

'You're supposed to be dying,' I say, remembering to grin because I sure as hell don't want her to think I'm panicking. Sure as hell don't want Ichigo to know either, so I've placed strong defences around my thoughts.

'Give back the control to Ichigo,' she says coldly.

I laugh. 'You barge in, in the middle of a great fight, and you expect me to do as you say? I don't think so!'

This statement brings us back to Ulquiorra, who conveniently at that exact moment blasts through the ice, ready to resume the fight.

'You might wanna step back, or you're gonna get killed,' I say with a smirk, barely resisting the urge to send an image of a decapitated Rukia to Ichigo as a taunt, knowing that through his anger he could become stronger.

'Do you care?' she asks calmly.

I stare at her. 'Of course not.'

'Then why warn me?'

'If you get in the way, I may not be able to enjoy this fight,' I reply, looking at Ulquiorra one more, gripping my sword tighter and pointing it in front of me to signal that I am ready to continue.

Ulquiorra rather unexpectedly attacks Rukia, and I hear Ichigo scream in horror. Rukia deflects the blade but I can see that she's never going to hold out long against Ulquiorra. I stand still and watch in interest, wondering how much blood from her petite body will be spilled.

_'HELP HER!' _Ichigo roars. Whoa, he's actually begging _me _to do it, as if he knows he has no chance of seizing control.

Rukia is thrown up against a wall, and Ulquiorra sonidos towards her, ready to deal the finishing blow.

_'… Do you care...?'_

_ '… HELP HER...'_

And, rather disturbingly, my whole outlook on everything suddenly shifts.

I know who's to blame. I know what he's done. Forget the Hollow instincts inside of me, screaming for blood, he has forced something else on me, something _new_, and yet definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, what would be my thinking pattern. If I were that entity. If I had not been held back, shut away when I should have been acting out my role. And with my new, fresh mind, the blame completely ditches Ichigo and focuses on him, the old man in the inner world who calls himself Zangetsu. Because he's the reason for everything. My imprisonment. The lies Ichigo has taken in.

And now, most recently, my new zanpakutô approach on things. Because right now, right at this exact moment, he lets me be Zangetsu. And as I am now Zangetsu, I can now help. I can forget crimson, and war, and killing, and I can focus on _protecting._ I block Ulquiorra's attack and save Rukia Kuchiki's life because I am not seeing the world as the nameless Hollow, but as Zangetsu.

And then it's gone.

A roaring enters my ears as I contemplate how there could have been crimson if I hadn't stopped her death. My Hollow instincts are back, and I am disgusted with the way I just saved a life. I am no longer Zangetsu. I am just Ichigo's inner Hollow.

And the misfortune doesn't end there, naturally. Weak from shock, I can see Ichigo planning a powerful attack to gain control, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I didn't have enough time to absorb enough energy at the heart of Ichigo's inner world, or I may have been able to actually avoid it. And then of course, there's Rukia Kuchiki, my downfall.

I feel the control slipping, and as I tumble back into the darkness I hear Ichigo thanking the old man who currently truly earns the name Zangetsu for helping him beat me for control.

They work together, even if one doesn't show the other exactly how they work. They worked together now to bring me down, and to save Rukia Kuchiki's life.

I am _nothing._


End file.
